


with a map of failing city lights

by KelpietheThundergod



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Post Episode s10e14 The Executioner's Song, Season/Series 10, Slight Canon Divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-14 10:40:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3407582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelpietheThundergod/pseuds/KelpietheThundergod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While he drives, he keeps the – the thing, close beside him. Can't help staring at it, when the light is red too long, when the road is wide and empty. When the sky is cold, when the night falls again.  This is what it feels like, he has come to realize. Leaving Dean. Like the light, the warmth – just fades away. Not literally, Castiel knows that. And yet, it doesn't seem to matter. He has been down here a long time. And maybe he was still blind to it, before. Maybe he didn't want to – to believe. </p><p>But Castiel doesn't have to believe now. He knows. He knows pain, and hunger, and yearning.</p><p>He can describe in detail now, the stab of despair of wanting to keep someone safe and failing utterly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	with a map of failing city lights

**Author's Note:**

> birthday fic for the lovely sigerson1701 on tumblr :). this fic can be read as a companion piece to a shepherd on a deck of stars, but also as a stand-alone

 

 

 

 

**with a map of failing city lights**

 

_with a map of failing city lights_

_i walk out of my door_

_is it heaven on the other side?_

 

_close, or is it closer_

_this endless stretch of night_

_this abyss_

 

_where I found before,_

_again_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He starts driving that very same night, and then it is night again and he is still driving.

 

 

It's the last thing he wants, this distance, but for this, he has to be far away. Far away, from Dean.

 

While he drives, he keeps the – the _thing_ , close beside him. Can't help staring at it, when the light is red too long, when the road is wide and empty. When the sky is cold, when the night falls again. This is what it feels like, he has come to realize. Leaving Dean. Like the light, the warmth – just fades away. Not literally, Castiel knows that. And yet, it doesn't seem to matter. He has been down here a long time. And maybe he was still blind to it, before. Maybe he didn't want to – to believe.

 

But Castiel doesn't have to believe now. He knows. He knows pain, and hunger, and yearning.

 

He can describe in detail now, the stab of despair of wanting to keep someone safe and failing utterly.

 

The day is cold, and then the night comes too fast again. He hopes it's not a bad sign, how starless the night is when he stops and steps outside.

 

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

They'd stood on the roof together, that one night. Some time after their disastrous try at interrogating Metatron, Castiel had searched out Dean and found him in the kitchen, making hot chocolate.

 

He supposes most people wouldn't understand. Most people, they would see Dean, see his violence, his anger, his scars, and be done with it. Done with him. Would beat him down and sink him into the deepest pit they could find.

 

From the doorway, Castiel watched the tremble in Dean's hands, the way he'd been moving much more carefully than usual. The slope in his spine and his shoulders, the dark skin under his eyes that Castiel could see when Dean turned his head slightly.

 

It was all there to interpret, even without Dean's own words ringing in his head, “that's the opposite of what I do” . Dean will hold onto this pain, this guilt. And when his brain will try to forget he will _make_ himself remember it. That was why he was still in there, why he was still wearing the same clothes, why his knuckles still looked raw and his eyes bleary with exhaustion. Why he wasn't asking for help for himself, not truly.

 

Dean smiled at him when Castiel stepped closer, told Castiel he looked wrecked, and made another cup of hot chocolate. Castiel didn't object. It was probably gonna taste awful to him, because of what he was now, again. Castiel didn't care. He kind of wanted to taste it anyway.

 

They ended up on the roof, and Castiel felt ineffably better under the open sky, and yet so much more sad. Still, it was calming to just stand in the cold and stare at the stars for some time.

 

For a long while, they didn't speak. Castiel finally realized that Dean was shivering in the dark night, only wearing a shirt and not a jacket. Or maybe, it wasn't that at all. Whichever the reason, Castiel could not stand it. He stepped closer, instinctively trying to give Dean some measure of comfort with his own body heat.

 

Dean asked him if the night sky looked different to him from down here. The question made Castiel smile, and it also made him sad. There is no seeing the sky in heaven.

 

Not like –

 

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, he lies down on the backseat of the car to rest for a few hours. The car roof blocks the dark ahead from view, at least.

 

Castiel texts Sam, closes his eyes while he waits for a reply. He only has to wait a few minutes.

 

_no change._

 

He stares at the soft gray interior of the roof for another while, but then his thoughts get too loud. Castiel crawls back into the driver's seat, throws the car in reverse and gets on the road, drives back the way he came.

 

Millions of years ago, he'd stood on that shore line and watched the ocean waves. How they would roll onto the sand, thin out and then retreat again. Draw away and vanish within the water, then come forth again, leave again. Now he knows, not even oceans are eternal.

 

And the play of there and not there, of coming closer only to leave again – it's a tiring idea to him now, depressing. He grips the steering wheel tighter, forcefully pushes those thoughts away and his mind towards other, brighter things. The miles flying away under the car, the hint of dawn at the horizon. The seat beside him, empty now.

 

He draws in a breath, punches the radio on.

 

It's been a million years and more since he stood before that ocean. He doesn't have to stand there, and wait, and look up in silence, again.

 

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

He stops the car, fives hours later, at the side of a dusty road.

 

There is a bar, the first building after miles of empty road and endless fields. It's not that he is hungry, or thirsty, even. But the place looks nice somehow, peaceful. Or maybe, Castiel feels lonely. He's turned the radio off some time ago, because nothing on it sounded right to him.

 

It's only early afternoon, and there are not many people inside. The blinds are halfway down to block out the light a bit, and there is dust dancing in the sun beams that get through. It's quiet inside, dark wood and rusty, faded out colors.

 

The woman at the counter smiles at him when he sits down. She has long black and curly hair, slightly interlaced with silver. Her skin is dark and her eyes seem to be smiling all the time.

 

Castiel is reminded of Orion. Of the red earth where he'd stood with Daniel at the river, the sparkle of the fish scales in the water.

 

He smiles back at her and orders a coffee, rests his chin on his hands and stares at the counter top while he waits. Tries and fails not to think of Dean's hands, curled around the cup he'd made for Castiel. How warm his skin had felt when Castiel's fingers brushed against his. So inviting, that for one, wild second, Castiel had thought that if he were ever allowed to touch Dean for longer than this, he wouldn't trust himself to ever let go again.

 

He drinks his coffee slowly, forces himself not to think of anything, to just absorb this moment of peace and draw strength from it. He stares at the bottles with amber liquid in front of him, the dusty black and white photographs on the dark red walls.

 

The woman watches him with knowing eyes when he pays, she says, “There's a river a couple miles down the road. A lot of stones get washed ashore. You can even find Blue Lace Agate down there. If you're lucky.”

 

She has a dishtowel in her hands, and she winks at him and smiles, warmly. “I imagine you could use at least one, right now.”

 

Castiel stares at her, but she only smiles, her eyes softly glowing in the dimness.

 

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dean had asked him if the night sky looked different to him from down here. And Castiel had answered that he wouldn't know, that you couldn't see the sky from heaven, not like this – but he had looked at Dean when he he said it, “Not like this, not all the _lights_ ”.

 

And Dean had stared at him, open and sad and vulnerable, and then looked down to the ground, again.

 

 

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

After several miles, he takes a left turn down a dirty road full of holes and overgrown weed. And there it is, the river.

 

For a long moment, Castiel just stands there, absorbs the cool breeze that comes with the proximity of the water. The stillness over its depth, the reflection of the sky on its surface.

 

He walks along the water's edge for a while and then kneels down when a particular color catches his gaze. Castiel plunges a hand down into the water and when he draws it back, there are two stones in his hand instead of one. They must have lain in such close proximity to each other he had only seen one of them.

 

They are sparkling in the sun with the water on them still reflecting the light, their blue-white color making Castiel shiver in both remembrance and joy at once.

 

 

 

 

Castiel gets back in the car, back on the road. He keeps one of the stones in his coat pocket, the other in his palm, his fingers curled over it.

 

So that it is warm when he hands it over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Blue Lace Agates can be found in the USA and are (according to my research) supposed to be healing stones that bring peace and calmness. They are said to help renew energy and strength, improve self esteem and illuminate the mind.
> 
> poetry is my own.


End file.
